I dated a pedophile for 3 years... and didn't know it.

I realize it has been about 2 years since this blog has been alive, and I have so much that has changed in my life, and things I need to share, but this... This has been on my mind, in my dreams, and subconscious for a month or so now, and I really need to write it out. So. Here goes.

I was a mere 23 year old. Super awkward, didn't know who I was, basically living in a shell.
I had lost around 60 pounds at that point in my life, so the 300 pound girl, turned into a 220-230 pound girl. I wasn't sure how to function, I was always the big girl, and even though I wasn't skinny by any means, I still was a significant amount smaller than usual.
I was attending film school, which was the coolest thing about me at the time.
I took classes on writing comic books, which lead me to local comic shops looking for certain graphic novels/comics. I Hesitantly walked into one downtown. I was reluctant just because the other comic shops employees were dicks to me, and I didn't want to deal with that again.
I was pleasantly surprised. These guys were awesome. One in particular wanted to know my interests, and would tell me ones he thought I should read.
This was not the boy I was interested in, the one I liked wore orange, had brown hair, wasn't skinny, but wasn't a big dude either. He was a nerd, and I liked that. He however, did not give me the time of day. I'm not quite sure what made me get the idea that asking him out to coffee was a good plan, but I did it. After an intense round of Magic the Gathering, (he was a judge) I walked over and asked him to have coffee with me. He accepted, gave me his number and told me to meet him there the very next night. Wow. I asked a dude out and he said yes.
I had a day of anxiety, nerves, wanting to back out, wondering what to wear, what to talk about, etc. I finally went back to the shop and he confessed he didn't drink coffee, but I was cute. We walked around Downtown Spokane for a couple of hours, just talking. He was a tad cryptic at times, and he wouldn't really tell me anything without being mysterious. It was interesting to me, and I wanted more. He walked me to my car, and asked for my number. I told him he had to make arrangements for date two if he was interested.
He was.
Two dates and I had myself a boyfriend.
I will use that term very lightly.
During the three years we were together I learned practically nothing about him. We saw each other once a week for a few hours if I was lucky, he would rarely call me, and he didn't return or start texts.
The normal girl would have peaced out, but I was thinking change was going to come. I would be pissed at him, and he would do something that could pass as "boyfriendy" and I would forgive him.
Our 6th month anniversary my mom passed away. I hadn't heard from him for days, and trying to get ahold of him on that particular day seemed impossible. It got to the point where my best friend almost had to call him at work. He went to work for a couple hours. A COUPLE OF HOURS. In this time, my mom had died, and I was a mess. He came and got me and took me to dinner and a movie. I was crying hysterically the entire date and looked insane. I made him meet my dad that night, cause he refused to meet my parents.
From that day forward I was not the same girl. I struggled. A lot. My mom and I were insanely close, and I took this loss hard. I would text the boy to let him know I needed him and got nothing in return.
Once again, I am kind of an idiot. I held up hope. I thought I would be the one to change him, to make him try. If I did all the great girlfriend things, he would want to be the best boyfriend. I would bring him lunch at work, get him random gifts, drive downtown to see him every week. I texted him cute things, and was possibly the greatest girlfriend of all time. It didn't matter. I didn't know why, but I wasn't even making a dent.
He spent a lot of time with the Boy Scouts, he said he was a leader, his dad and brother were also involved. He "big brothered" for quite a few kids. I always felt like that was a little more important than it should be, but it was an honorable thing. He was good with kids. Always a good sign.
Shit would get weird sometimes. He showed up to my house with a bloody nose and busted lip one day because the boy he had been letting stay with him got upset. Or at least that is what he told me.
The boy staying with him was a really weird thing too. He had a mom, and I'm not exactly sure what happened. I was never even allowed in his house, so I never saw how that living arrangement worked.
I had to fight for attention. I was never good enough. No matter what I did.
There was a girl he would talk about, and I was jealous of her. She seemed to be getting the attention that I needed, and deserved. He would brush it off, tell me I was hot and she was weird. End of conversation. He ended up breaking up with me in an Applebees parking lot and started dating her almost immediately. Her and I are friends now, so there's no hard feelings, especially with what we learned about him. 

This break up nearly broke me. My first experience with what I thought was love, just trashed. I had a huge rough patch. Probably about six months or so, I was a complete basket case. For that time he strung me along like a puppet. We would see each other, have coffee and he would tell me things like "don't disappear" and " I want you in my life" but was dating someone else, and obviously didn't give a shit about me. This break up also made me realize I didn't fully deal with my moms death, and I dealt with everything all at once. I got myself into counseling as soon as I could. I decided to change. I decided to color my hair, lose weight, and become a better version of myself. I did all of those things. Lost 60 pounds, started running, gained all sorts of confidence. I even write this while sitting on the couch next to my fiancé and puppy, things I never expected to have. 
It wasn't until two or three years after our relationship ended that I learned about his extra curricular activities. Turns out he was uploading kiddie porn, selling it, and he had molested boys in the past.
He had pictures of boys as young as 4 on his laptop. I do not know if he was in the photos or not, and I frankly don't care. He is the worst kind of person.
People were defending him, like there was a mistake. Too bad he admitted to the cops that everything was true, but still pleaded not guilty.

There was so much wrong in this relationship, and I now know why. It was never me. He used me as a cover. He used every girl he ever dated as one. It wasn't anything about any of us. He dated some really awesome ladies. I've gotten drunk and had pizza with them. 

I have checked lately, and he doesn't seem to be in jail in Spokane that I can find. I'm not sure why he isn't, cause he's gross and needs to be. I'm so sad that he soured my first boyfriend experience. 

I'm also extremely disappointed in myself for letting some treat me like that for so long. For not knowing what kind of person I wanted to share my life with. 

There is so much more I could post about this, and I might one day. 

I still feel so betrayed and violated. 

Let alone stupid and ashamed. 

I have actually started and stopped writing a book about this many times. 

It may seem silly, but getting it all out is therapy. 

My first book will not be about this asshole. 

He doesn't deserve that.